Like A Boss

Back Again, Muddafukkas

Well tumblr, all it took was a boring class and a boring desk job to drive me back into your arms. 

I NEED A 21st BDAY DRESS!!

Confessions

I AM SO LAME. It’s been two and a half weeks and I’ll I’ve managed to do is think think think about how much I miss my boyfriend NONSTOP which is totally totally the lamest of lame and I really feel pretty lame about it if you must know. I guess I just needed to admit that. I hate being defined by anything other than awesomeness so this sheer and utter lameness is pretty painful. 

Other things I’ve accomplished:

• Discovering new and wildly impressive limits in terms of my chocolate intake
• Adopting this fascinating technology that the kids are calling “video chat.” I HATE IT. Call me old fashioned but at least the phone doesnt require makeup.
• I’ve done a great job of working out. However, not very effective if you consider bullet point 1.
• I’ve compiled an AWESOME list of new years resolutions to ponder the shit out of and never accomplish
• NEW SHOES!!

So I guess I did a few things aside from exhausting the whole whiny girl-who-cant-live-without-her-boyfriend scene. Tis truly the worst. 

Adventures in the Georgia Suburbs, Day 1

Shocked and appalled that my stepmother has deemed The Expendables a good movie, I begin ferociously eating fudge and subsequently pass out in a nearby recliner. In other news, this town is named after jizz.

Community Blows.

Do people actually watch this show? It sucks.

Redneck Riviera

Nana brought out the platter of fried chicken and cheese biscuits and I just about jizzed in my pants at the sight. We had just come up from the lake, where we tore up the scene on jetskis until it was too dark to see. I threw my brother off of the two-seater four times but he just laughed and saddled back up because Parellas are CHAMPS. Then we rode around the neighborhood on a Kawasaki mule, redneck style with no shoes and criminal intentions. 

I like Georgia, I really do. I’ve already planned my wedding on Lake Lanier. After the vows and all that ceremony shit, I’ll tear off my dress to reveal a white sequined bikini (and a rockin bod, of course) and the dude will sport some black swim shorts. We’ll hop on a jetski and ride off into the sunset. BAD.ASS.NESS. 

I miss Boston, though. I miss my peeps and my freedom. I’m so excited to get back that I can barely sleep at night. Although there’s one thing that the dirty south has that Boston simply does not…and that’s the Redneck Riviera.

Picture this. My dad, a 6’2 nearly bald Italian man with some bootleg designer shades and board shorts, plopped in a kiddie pool, limbs outstretched, cooler within reach, drankin beers and listening to Jimmy Buffet. And this all goes down in our driveway, right there on the pavement. It’s the best scene in the world when you pull up to the garage after a day out and you’re four year old brother says, “Yep, dad’s in the riviera again.” My dads fucking awesome.

I fly back to Beantown tomorrow and I couldn’t be more excited. I invited all my friends over for a little pahhhty but really have no clue who will show up. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if only two people made an appearance. Because those two people are gonna have a GOOD ASS TIME. Guaranteed. Because I’m back from the dirty dirtyyy and I’ve got storiesss SON

Things I Be Doin in the Dirtay South

1. Riding dirty … to Walmart.

2. Getting fat

3. Neglecting personal hygeine

4. Ignoring grammar rules

5. Lovin lyfe.